this is another post with a malay title. just want to signify how irritated i am with this one thing. funny how you could live with someone who is just not in the same book as you. well, it is definitely for convenience and for the sake of others. i particularly don't fond much on one name that irritates me to the bone. that one name never fail to annoy me every single day. can u imagine spending a lifetime with people like that? *groan*

listening to that one name's voice over and over again really really really irritates me. we are all enduring it for the sake of living this final year peacefully. i'm sick of it and can't wait to escape all these. owh how i hope that i can ditch that one name from my life for good. rimasnye~~~

one year older

september 26th witnessed the turning of this 5' 1" tall girl to a new age. being 23 should mean much as i'm a year older to be ready to take on more responsibilities. upon my birthday, i don't really feel much. the number has just added and that is all. nothing really changes save for the environment i am in right now. things are pretty much the same. so little gain. perhaps one gain i got is knowledge. although things are pretty much the same, i should become wiser and more mature in my thoughts, perspectives and actions. the word SHOULD there means rather a suggestion or expectation. it is expected of me to become wiser. it is expected of me to become more mature. nonetheless, am i subject to fulfil all the suggestions and expectations? *sigh* again, i SHOULD be. or as it get stronger, i MUST be.

the age 23 signifies the opening of the real world to me. i'm about to leave this safe sanctuary of friends, campus, and regulations and lead my feet into the real working world. i am a real adult now. soon i'm going to have to make decisions on my own. soon i cannot use the excuse that "i am a student" anymore. what a total change..

this is what my birthday means to me. it certainly does not revolves around birthday cake or candle blowing or fancy gifts. i don't really fond of such celebration for my birthday. if others want to have it on their birthdays, then go on. but to me, on my birthday i'd rather have no celebration at all because birthday marks the coming of more and more challenges and responsibilities. it is enough for me to just receive 'happy birthday' wishes. that is all.

what an eid

ramadhan just came by and went away from me this year just like that. i didn't feel as serene as i felt last year. it was so-so
as i had not the time to perform the terawih and really enjoy the nikmat of ramadhan as my health condition was not the greatest and i was very busy settling my tonnes of work. the change of environment really leaves an impact. i don't really have the heart to celebrate anything here. plus with the bad happenings at the college during that month, there is not much to be happy about.

then came syawal. every eid i hope for a merry celebration. how i believe that it will happen every year.. owh.. it was just a hope because i love to be around my parents, siblings, niece & nephews, cousins and all. it turned out to be the most tensed eid so far. it was not a happy eid for me. tense went around every moment. it was a great deal of stress to my mother, my sisters and of course me. i cannot explain much further but i just want to say that all the tension revolves around my grandmother. people say do not be rude to the elderly, but i cannot help it. i was pushed and tensed. i really wish that all these can be over soon. i don't want to be misunderstood in my own home. i love my family and i am really sick of all the grudges and hard feelings stored deep in the bottom of our hearts. the wish "selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin" is just a myth in my opinion. it is not really happening so why bother asking for apology? huh..

however, being able to take the annual family portrait is a nice memory though. this time around we are able to gather everyone (17 persons) to cramp into one frame of portrait. i know for sure that it will be expanded real soon. perhaps we can no longer fit into a photo studio after this. haha.. but i was amazed that all the babies behaved and co-operated for the photo shoot. no cry or whatsoever. even eri, my special baby brother was really great and obidient. the arrangement that i had for one year in my head has finally come to life. my mother constantly reminded us that this year has been a time of change to us. half of my siblings are married and they have the other side of family they need to attend to. so from now on, it will not always be the 8 of us during eid.

it was a so-so eid for me. not much duit raya collected as i'm older now. or perhaps they thought that i am working now. wrong, people! i'm still a student.. nevermind though. alhamdulillah for the rezeki i got. let us hope to have a better eid next year. eid mubarak everybody!