so far working life has left less good impact on me. i constantly feel uneasy, stressed, and unhappy when it comes to school related stuff n my work. this early stage of my career seems to be hell for me. tonnes of work are thrown upon me and many are not of any major importance but they turned to be so. the demands of multiple parties give me a headache.

i am still struggling to juggle my work and my private life. i am all over the place. when i calculate my daily time, i have less time to think about other stuffs other than work. when i wake up in the morning, i prepare to go to school. after school, if i ever have the chance i will dose off for one or a couple of hours. after waking up, i merely have two or three hours to mingle with my family, eat and shower. then comes night, i start thinking about tomorrow's work at school. planning for lesson takes longer time. then time to sleep. n then the cycle goes on. tired. i'm really tired. time is what i dont have.

the demand of so many work most of the time hampers me from focusing on my core business, which is planning n teaching. planning for lesson takes more time than other work. so much things to be considered. n to come out with interesting activities for the pupils, i need time to prepare the teaching aids n what not. that i dont have. the time flies by doing other stuff which i dont want to mention here. as a new teacher, i dont have the flow of lesson on my fingertips like the more experienced teachers. that is why they do not have to struggle to prepare their lesson although they have massive workload too. i'm preparing my lesson pretty much from scratch as the preplanned lessons in the teacher's guide are not suitable for my pupils' level of attainment. i wish i had more time to prepare my lessons properly so that my pupils will benefit most from it. it is them that i most feel sorry for. they did not get the best of me in class for i did not have the ample time to prepare. being a new teacher, i am not supposed to be teaching the chalk-and-talk way. it is a shame that my creativity goes to waste.

the other work - some are important and some are just not. being a new one, people are finding a way to release all the burden by handing them over to me. that's life. i cant do anything about it. just begging for sympathy from a few people who understand the burden and are nice enough to give some advice and help. the positive side, i got to learn how to do things, how things work and what not to do. but the demand from the people gets me crazy. this person asked for this, this person asked for that, this person expected me to do this, that person expected me to do that, all at the same time. who can stand that? *faint* no wonder teacher is one of the professions that cause the highest number of stress and worse, depression cases worldwide. i can feel my shoulder aches at this very moment, a sign of stress.

not just the demand, small things like communication with other people, sometimes succeed in giving me headache and heartache. as a new one, i was told not to say NO to people for i need to show that i'm capable of doing things, useful and all good. following that, i tend to keep what i feel upon the treatment i received to myself. those feelings bottled up with time. and i dont know until when i could hold it. some day it will burst. in easier words, i am being bullied. n the best part is, i cant say no.

i dont mind going to school, dealing with pupils of all kind, trying to tend them one by one to make them learn english and more. but the surrounding and some of the interaction with colleagues give me sour feeling. not too long ago, i was used to be the sacrifice of someone else's conflict and i am the victim. i was just doing the job of other's and i got the bad name for that. how nice. i got one label on my forehead now - disrespectful towards older teacher. how nice.

i hate all of this. this is not what i bargained for the first time i decided to be a teacher. this is way out of my hands now. just praying to God that i can handle it somehow and be strong.