Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts

not what i bargained for

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , ,

so far working life has left less good impact on me. i constantly feel uneasy, stressed, and unhappy when it comes to school related stuff n my work. this early stage of my career seems to be hell for me. tonnes of work are thrown upon me and many are not of any major importance but they turned to be so. the demands of multiple parties give me a headache.

i am still struggling to juggle my work and my private life. i am all over the place. when i calculate my daily time, i have less time to think about other stuffs other than work. when i wake up in the morning, i prepare to go to school. after school, if i ever have the chance i will dose off for one or a couple of hours. after waking up, i merely have two or three hours to mingle with my family, eat and shower. then comes night, i start thinking about tomorrow's work at school. planning for lesson takes longer time. then time to sleep. n then the cycle goes on. tired. i'm really tired. time is what i dont have.

the demand of so many work most of the time hampers me from focusing on my core business, which is planning n teaching. planning for lesson takes more time than other work. so much things to be considered. n to come out with interesting activities for the pupils, i need time to prepare the teaching aids n what not. that i dont have. the time flies by doing other stuff which i dont want to mention here. as a new teacher, i dont have the flow of lesson on my fingertips like the more experienced teachers. that is why they do not have to struggle to prepare their lesson although they have massive workload too. i'm preparing my lesson pretty much from scratch as the preplanned lessons in the teacher's guide are not suitable for my pupils' level of attainment. i wish i had more time to prepare my lessons properly so that my pupils will benefit most from it. it is them that i most feel sorry for. they did not get the best of me in class for i did not have the ample time to prepare. being a new teacher, i am not supposed to be teaching the chalk-and-talk way. it is a shame that my creativity goes to waste.

the other work - some are important and some are just not. being a new one, people are finding a way to release all the burden by handing them over to me. that's life. i cant do anything about it. just begging for sympathy from a few people who understand the burden and are nice enough to give some advice and help. the positive side, i got to learn how to do things, how things work and what not to do. but the demand from the people gets me crazy. this person asked for this, this person asked for that, this person expected me to do this, that person expected me to do that, all at the same time. who can stand that? *faint* no wonder teacher is one of the professions that cause the highest number of stress and worse, depression cases worldwide. i can feel my shoulder aches at this very moment, a sign of stress.

not just the demand, small things like communication with other people, sometimes succeed in giving me headache and heartache. as a new one, i was told not to say NO to people for i need to show that i'm capable of doing things, useful and all good. following that, i tend to keep what i feel upon the treatment i received to myself. those feelings bottled up with time. and i dont know until when i could hold it. some day it will burst. in easier words, i am being bullied. n the best part is, i cant say no.

i dont mind going to school, dealing with pupils of all kind, trying to tend them one by one to make them learn english and more. but the surrounding and some of the interaction with colleagues give me sour feeling. not too long ago, i was used to be the sacrifice of someone else's conflict and i am the victim. i was just doing the job of other's and i got the bad name for that. how nice. i got one label on my forehead now - disrespectful towards older teacher. how nice.

i hate all of this. this is not what i bargained for the first time i decided to be a teacher. this is way out of my hands now. just praying to God that i can handle it somehow and be strong.
0 Comments

a hectic october

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , ,

i itched to post an update for this blog but time and responsibilities come in my way. so much things going on, so hectic life. it was crazy dealing with the micro or macroteaching madness, groupwork, visual art folio and what not. plus the craziiiiiiiiiiinessssss of the LECTURERS that we need to handle with thousands of curse and bitter face doubled the reason to not putting me in a state where i feel free to scribble something here. gosh it was d*mn hectic!

place to do my practicum has come to knowledge now and it is situated near durian tunggal. i m looking forward to start the second phase of practicum and i feel scared too. this is one final chance to prove that i m one teacher material and can actually teach and make a difference. pray to Allah that it'll be smooth.

not to forget the money crisis i m facing nowadays. just to add the stress, it is now the time to do my final final exam. it is the real final for this six years of study. three papers down with an understandable amount of anger and relief at the same time. i have two more to go now. hopefully i can do it and not die without trying. thanks to my friends for giving me the chance to sit on it together again and study for the nights of exam. honestly i dont think i could do the exam without them helping. thanks so much dear friends!
0 Comments

what an eid

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , ,

ramadhan just came by and went away from me this year just like that. i didn't feel as serene as i felt last year. it was so-so as i had not the time to perform the terawih and really enjoy the nikmat of ramadhan as my health condition was not the greatest and i was very busy settling my tonnes of work. the change of environment really leaves an impact. i don't really have the heart to celebrate anything here. plus with the bad happenings at the college during that month, there is not much to be happy about.

then came syawal. every eid i hope for a merry celebration. how i believe that it will happen every year.. owh.. it was just a hope because i love to be around my parents, siblings, niece & nephews, cousins and all. it turned out to be the most tensed eid so far. it was not a happy eid for me. tense went around every moment. it was a great deal of stress to my mother, my sisters and of course me. i cannot explain much further but i just want to say that all the tension revolves around my grandmother. people say do not be rude to the elderly, but i cannot help it. i was pushed and tensed. i really wish that all these can be over soon. i don't want to be misunderstood in my own home. i love my family and i am really sick of all the grudges and hard feelings stored deep in the bottom of our hearts. the wish "selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin" is just a myth in my opinion. it is not really happening so why bother asking for apology? huh..

however, being able to take the annual family portrait is a nice memory though. this time around we are able to gather everyone (17 persons) to cramp into one frame of portrait. i know for sure that it will be expanded real soon. perhaps we can no longer fit into a photo studio after this. haha.. but i was amazed that all the babies behaved and co-operated for the photo shoot. no cry or whatsoever. even eri, my special baby brother was really great and obidient. the arrangement that i had for one year in my head has finally come to life. my mother constantly reminded us that this year has been a time of change to us. half of my siblings are married and they have the other side of family they need to attend to. so from now on, it will not always be the 8 of us during eid.

it was a so-so eid for me. not much duit raya collected as i'm older now. or perhaps they thought that i am working now. wrong, people! i'm still a student.. nevermind though. alhamdulillah for the rezeki i got. let us hope to have a better eid next year. eid mubarak everybody!



0 Comments

ROS: so far so challenging

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , , ,
.

the school orientation programme at SKGU has been going on for two weeks now. i can't believe that it has been halfway to the end. for the past two weeks, things have been quite interesting actually. i was not as busy as my friends at other schools who had to do more than relief and our actual ROS tasks (which are finding the info about school management and writing daily journal). i can say that i'm pretty lucky to only have to go to classes and do some reliefs and some other small jobs. i'm not as stressed as they are, although i do experience some uneasiness and stress too. as for today, i have been asked to replace absent and busy teachers and teach in the classroom nearly everyday. it is quite challenging to be true, but i like it. i love stepping into classes and interacting with the pupils. and for the record, there was no single day in these two weeks where i didn't enter any class at all. certainly i will be entering classes to do relief and observation. when other friends at other schools are whining about having to do more relief than they think they should, i just smile and say that i'm ok with it. i don't mind to do relief for one whole week. on monday 4th, all the three of us did a massive relief from morning to the afternoon. no doubt it was tremendously tiring, challenging and hard, but i really gained some precious experiences and had fun doing it.

the admin of the school has been giving fair co-operation to us interns. on the scale of one to ten, i can put the school admin and teachers at the scale of 5 in terms of assisting us in this internship. not so much helped got, and not so much warmth felt. just so-so. my Co-operating Teacher (CT) is also the assistant head teacher of the school. you can imagine how busy she is and how much does she really put into this whole thing of assisting me through the internship. the way i see it, i have been the one assisting. i have been covering much for her in her English classes. nonetheless, we keep ourselves going and have been trying to find the info on school management on our own. luckily, i have my mother to refer to since she herself is a headmistress in a primary school. the teachers, at the beginning i thought that they were just wants to shoot us with their eyes but day by day, i realised that they are just alright. only a little few who just can't seem to smile back to us. i don't get their problem. we're just interns and trainees at the school. ape kes nak jeling2?? huh.. luckily i only have to bear with those faces for only two more weeks. lantak ko laa! huhu.. fitting in to the school environment really takes time.

surely it's tiring to go into classrooms everyday and teach subjects that are not from my field (English) but seeing the faces of the pupils, it keeps me going on. the pupils are one good reason to get me keep coming to the school. they are one source of motivation i would say. looking at their faces lit up with the spirit to learn, it really boosted my passion to be a good teacher. i definitely need to learn more on how to handle different kinds of pupil and to best deliver lessons. i like it when being called "teacher" and "cikgu" by those wonderful children. an indescribable feeling rushes through my vains everytime i heard pupils call me those. it's the mixture of disbelief, satisfaction and pleasure perhaps. a big amount of orang asli children are amongst my pupils. it is a pleasant feeling to see them willing to go to school and learn. i have some involvement with the orang asli community in the past and i hope that i can go on with that by helping and educating the orang asli children at the school.

this exposure has given me the real taste of being a real teacher in the future. i certainly understand now that being a teacher is not a child's play. it is NOT EASY BEING A TEACHER. mind you, those who say that teaching is like a piece of cake and look at the teaching profession as a last resort, THINK AGAIN. it is so hard to work as a teacher. you have to think through so many things before you can carry out a lesson and you have to tackle so many problems while ensuring your students understand the lesson. educating and shaping the attitude of today's children are heavy responsibilities thrusted upon a teacher's shoulder. there's a great deal of stress in the journey of being a teacher. i can go on and then it would sound like my LE4000 paper. huhu.. may the rest of this SOP go nice and smooth.


the pupils of SKGU
0 Comments

and so we're doomed..

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , , ,

i have anticipate very much of our stay in melaka soon. and like returning to hell, we are required to stay INSIDE the st*p*d college compound again. i think we all (the TESL Cohort 3 clan) are pretty much infuriated by the news. what have been dreamt before as a less-stressful life there (to stay in our own rent houses) is thrashed down the bin. no staying outside the college, we all have to face the hardships and tension plus stupidity plus insanity like we used to face 2 years ago. seriously, i loathe it very much. curse you big time, dear college admin and whoever that is involved in this 'beautiful' plan of dooming us all over again.

why can't you leave us alone?? please let us have a peaceful final year. leaving iium is one thing, and facing a bad life in melaka all over again is worse. duh.. i can sense the mental stress we're going to experience. owh, how i hope to burn the st*p*d gate surrounding the hostel. how i hope to smash that CCTV at the guard post. and how i hope i can escape all the torture and mean words that will definitely be thrown to us every single day. gosh!

O Allah the Most Great, please help me to be the strongest i can, to face the life at that goddamn place once again.
0 Comments

it's killing me!!

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , , ,
this week has been hell for us (tesl 3rd year clan).
if a football player scored 3 consecutive goals, it would be called Hat-trick. what about us who have to submit 4 assignments (more than three) consecutively?? we should call it "HAT-TRICK plus one". haha.. from monday until thursday this week, we have to finish and submit FOUR heavy assignments and all are killing me..
the best part is, everybody seems to struggle on them until the very last minute. huhu.. we are so darn busy at the moment.

it's hard on us.. we know that the semester is going to an end and that explains why all the tedious jobs of completing written assignments are to be due this week. but there are still one or two to go.. *sigh* my right shoulder is badly hurt and if i can hire a chiropractor to massage my shoulder, i would do that so that the pain of this stressed out and overused shoulder can be eased.. not forgetting to mention that i have not been sleeping normally these several weeks.. no quality sleep for me. huhu.. averagely, i only manage to sleep for about 3 hours per day since three weeks ago.

oh my.. it's killing me..
2 Comments