Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts

not what i bargained for

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , ,

so far working life has left less good impact on me. i constantly feel uneasy, stressed, and unhappy when it comes to school related stuff n my work. this early stage of my career seems to be hell for me. tonnes of work are thrown upon me and many are not of any major importance but they turned to be so. the demands of multiple parties give me a headache.

i am still struggling to juggle my work and my private life. i am all over the place. when i calculate my daily time, i have less time to think about other stuffs other than work. when i wake up in the morning, i prepare to go to school. after school, if i ever have the chance i will dose off for one or a couple of hours. after waking up, i merely have two or three hours to mingle with my family, eat and shower. then comes night, i start thinking about tomorrow's work at school. planning for lesson takes longer time. then time to sleep. n then the cycle goes on. tired. i'm really tired. time is what i dont have.

the demand of so many work most of the time hampers me from focusing on my core business, which is planning n teaching. planning for lesson takes more time than other work. so much things to be considered. n to come out with interesting activities for the pupils, i need time to prepare the teaching aids n what not. that i dont have. the time flies by doing other stuff which i dont want to mention here. as a new teacher, i dont have the flow of lesson on my fingertips like the more experienced teachers. that is why they do not have to struggle to prepare their lesson although they have massive workload too. i'm preparing my lesson pretty much from scratch as the preplanned lessons in the teacher's guide are not suitable for my pupils' level of attainment. i wish i had more time to prepare my lessons properly so that my pupils will benefit most from it. it is them that i most feel sorry for. they did not get the best of me in class for i did not have the ample time to prepare. being a new teacher, i am not supposed to be teaching the chalk-and-talk way. it is a shame that my creativity goes to waste.

the other work - some are important and some are just not. being a new one, people are finding a way to release all the burden by handing them over to me. that's life. i cant do anything about it. just begging for sympathy from a few people who understand the burden and are nice enough to give some advice and help. the positive side, i got to learn how to do things, how things work and what not to do. but the demand from the people gets me crazy. this person asked for this, this person asked for that, this person expected me to do this, that person expected me to do that, all at the same time. who can stand that? *faint* no wonder teacher is one of the professions that cause the highest number of stress and worse, depression cases worldwide. i can feel my shoulder aches at this very moment, a sign of stress.

not just the demand, small things like communication with other people, sometimes succeed in giving me headache and heartache. as a new one, i was told not to say NO to people for i need to show that i'm capable of doing things, useful and all good. following that, i tend to keep what i feel upon the treatment i received to myself. those feelings bottled up with time. and i dont know until when i could hold it. some day it will burst. in easier words, i am being bullied. n the best part is, i cant say no.

i dont mind going to school, dealing with pupils of all kind, trying to tend them one by one to make them learn english and more. but the surrounding and some of the interaction with colleagues give me sour feeling. not too long ago, i was used to be the sacrifice of someone else's conflict and i am the victim. i was just doing the job of other's and i got the bad name for that. how nice. i got one label on my forehead now - disrespectful towards older teacher. how nice.

i hate all of this. this is not what i bargained for the first time i decided to be a teacher. this is way out of my hands now. just praying to God that i can handle it somehow and be strong.
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welcome to the school, rookie!

Author: huzaimah Posted under: , , , ,

i really have so much to say in this blog but at times i cant organise my thoughts on the spot. and the internet connection has been a challenge for me to be able to update the musings i have in mind. and i have this mood thing you know. i write whenever i have mood. when the mood is not there despite the pouring idea, i will not be writing not even one paragraph. huhu... enough said, i just want to state the obvious.

if you really follow the happenings in my life as stated in fb (pretty much about the happenings in my life or just anyone are available at facebook right? since fb is becoming more and more busybody nowadays.. haha) you will know that i itched sooo much to start working as a teacher. after the tiring 6 months wait, i finally hit the school.

i am now a teacher (although in reality i still need to be verified in my post as a government servant or in simpler words, still in probation, just like the driving license). you have no idea what joy it brings by just saying that. *sigh of relief*

a rookie to be exact. if you dont know what rookie is, allow me to explain it to you in some terms there are in this world we are walking in.

newbie = new ones in the department/school/office/wherever you work
rookie = fresh graduate who straight go to the first job with no experience whatsoever
penyapu baru = quite the same thing. but this label has functions with it. the newbie should (in the oldbie minds) be treated like a new broom, where all the work are pushed to the newbie as they have nothing to do and it will give them quite the experience. to a certain extent, this label gives some sort of permission to the oldbie to rag or as it gets stronger, BULLY the newbie. this is just what i think the label suggests. any difference in definition is welcomed.

that is exactly what i am, minus the treatment i mentioned. i am a rookie in my new school. therefore, some people treated me nice and some people didnt. it depends on how the 'oldbie' or the senior teachers perceive new teachers like me. i have to mention here that i didnt receive any harsh treatment at school as a rookie but going to school during the first three weeks was intimidating to me. i was trying to make myself look presentable, good and useful. i was trying hard to curb any negativity that might come out of me to present a good first impression on everyone, and most importantly to the Headmaster. i also was afraid to annoy or disappoint anyone. i am a loud happy-go-lucky person as my friends knew me but around new people, i am this shy awkward girl who can hardly utter audicable voice. i tried to come early but that didnt work well actually. haha.. lateness, it is in my blood, what to do?? hahaha

despite the term penyapu baru, not really many responsibilities were thrusted upon me last october for it was the end of the year. i just hang out in the staff room staring at meaningless papers while holding my sleepiness. haha.. many of my friends were not as lucky as i was. right away there were thrown so many tasks and jobs to do as their schools were much smaller than mine. my school is a big school with nearly 70 teachers. with that many teacher, not much workload for me to bear really. having said that, i praise Allah. :) but as the days progresses, i got some small jobs like training pupils performances for the prize-giving ceremony and being a class teacher. those were tedious and tiring but at least i got to do something.

as a rookie, it is interesting that i am at the stage where i still look around and try to read the people around me. i must figure out which can be befriended, or which i should stay away from. i gain so much exposure to the real world as a rookie. it is very educational to me to be able to learn people's behaviour and the types of people this wonderful world has. haha.. i am slowly getting the essence of socialising in the real world. surely it is not exactly as i imagined. but still, i am trying to do my best as a rookie. :)
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